My tiny baby boy

Miller Danzig Lybbert

A week ago I walked into the hospital. I had been having contractions since 7 o'clock the night before. I did not sleep a wink, mostly because of pain and also because I was watching the stopwatch on my phone tick by and feeling a contraction every 6 minutes. I knew having contractions before you go into labor was normal but I was pretty sure consistent contractions that were close together were not good. But as I walked into the hospital without an overnight bag or anything but the clothes I was wearing, I was pretty sure they would be able to stop my pain and I would be home in a few hours. Now, a week later, I sit here in the NICU next to my tiny baby boy. The pictures don't do his tininess justice. He is so small. After 36 hours of labor he came into the world too early. He was 4 pounds and 9 ounces and 17 inches long. The delivery room was filled with respiratory therapists, the neonatal physician, my doctor, and several nurses. Because he was early their main concern was his lungs. They were there ready to rush him away, to breath for him, to intubate him, to do chest compressions...to keep him alive. To my relief he began crying once he was delivered. He did not need any help breathing and now 6 days later he hasn't needed extra oxygen or help breathing. The entire labor and delivery kind of seemed like a dream. I was not ready. Things at home were not ready. I just could not get it through my head that he was here already. After cleaning him up I was able to hold him for a minute then Brady and the whole crew walked him down to the NICU. I didn't imagine it all happening this way. But this is what happened. He came early and he is so tiny. I can't help but wonder why he came early and if it was something I did. It's hard not to think that. Of course my doctor says it was nothing I did but it's still hard to not wonder. I also wonder if my miscarriage had anything to do with him coming early. Maybe I will know one day.

He has made progress each day. Not a ton of progress but some. He has gone back and forth with jaundice and yesterday his heart rate dropped for about 15 seconds but he brought it up by himself. He is currently being fed what I pump through a feeding tube. The jaundice makes him extra sleepy but if he is alert and gets a good readiness score I can breast feed him. Luckily my milk supply has come in strong. I've already got a ton frozen for later on. Besides frequent crying spells I feel like I am doing well. The doctors and nurses tell you how important it is to take care of yourself. To get enough sleep, to eat and drink enough, and allow your body time to heal. Sleeping is a bit difficult. I can't help but think about my tiny baby and wonder how he is doing. Eating has been hard too. I have no appetite. I'm assuming it's just from stress. But I am forcing myself to eat and drink because I know my baby needs me.

It's funny when people say, well it's probably nice he is not at home with you, you can rest and you don't have to wake up to a crying baby at night. Well, to anyone who has ever left the hospital without their baby or had one in the NICU understands how I feel. There is no way to explain how hard it is to see your baby connected to all sorts of machines. To see him with and IV in his head, a pic line in his arm, a feeding tube down his nose, respiratory stickers on his chest, and other endless tubes and cords is so hard.

He always tries to rip out his feeding tube, I know he doesn't want to be in there. They have a monitor with his heart rate and oxygen saturation and it beeps if it goes below or above certain numbers. Every time it beeps my heart beats a little faster. I watch the monitor to see how high or low the numbers go and hope it regulates soon. As I stand there looking at him through his little incubator, my eyes tear up and my heart aches. He is so precious to me. I want him home so bad. Going back and forth from the hospital 3 to 4 times a day and spending 2 to 3 hours there each time is also difficult. It's hard to get things done when I've been told to rest and sleep and also be at the hospital to try and feed. If I could I would spend every second there. The 2 nights I was in the hospital were great. I could just walk down the hall anytime I wanted and see my baby. Seeing him and holding him always makes me feel better. Today I went in for a feeding but he was still worn out and did not wake up so he was fed through his tube but I was able to just hold him skin to skin and I think it calmed us both down. I pray so many times a day that he will continue to progress and that he will grow strong and be able to breastfeed more often. And I'm sure he will. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is so hard to take it a day at a time but that is what I need to do. I guess you never know what is planned for you. I'm sure Brady and I will grow from this in many ways. I just can't wait till this experience is in the past.

By the way...the middle name, Danzig, comes from the shirt Brady is wearing. That's the singers last name.

I love you Miller! Can't wait to have you home with us!